By Karl Albrecht, 2006.
Brief Summary:
Social Intelligence by Karl Albrecht is clear guide explaining the science behind social interaction and how to master it. If you’re looking to improve your conversation skills, learn about the science of communication, and explore the pillars of social intelligence, this book is for you.
“We need an educational system that equips young people to express their ideas clearly, to make themselves understood, and to seek to understand others before reacting to their behavior. They need at least a workable alternative to the standard seventeen-word teenager vocabulary–‘awesome,’ ‘weird,’ ‘I’m like…,’ ‘Ohmygod!,’ ‘whatever,’ and the rest.”
Karl Albrecht, Social Intelligence
Almost everything in life requires communication with others to obtain it. Master the art of attractability and social intelligence to get the most out of your interactions with others.
The 5 Skills of Interaction (SPACE)
Overview:
- Situational awareness: this is the ability to read and interpret the behaviors of people in different situations.
- Presence: this consists of one’s appearance, posture, voice quality, and subtle movements–a whole collection of signals that others process to get an impression of the person.
- Authenticity: this is another word for good character quality–the social radars of others pick up various signals from our behaviors that lead them to judge us as honest, open, ethical, etc.
- Clarity: this is ability to explain ourselves clearly, illuminate ideas, pass data clearly and accurately, and articulate our views and proposed courses of action.
- Empathy: this is a shared feeling of connectedness between two people.
1. Situational Awareness
Situational awareness is all about context. It’s about being aware of, attentive to, and wise about contexts and the meanings they create. Stop only focusing on yourself and start being more aware of your environment and the people around you.
There are 3 different contexts to look out for:
- Proxemic context: this is the dynamics of the physical space wherein people are interacting and the effects of the space on their behavior. Think about walking into a night club with all the strobe lights, smoke, and pounding music. You don’t walk into a club the same way you would enter a church.
- Behavioral context: this involves the patterns of action, emotion, motivation, and intention that are present between two people who are interacting, like shaking hands, hugging, etc.
- Semantic context: this covers the patterns of language used in conversation. Semantic refers to the study of meaning in language. Modes of discourse may be altered due to social codes and differences in status or wealth. The way you greet people in the US should be different to the way you greet people in Turkey.
- Albrecht writes, “Words are much more than mere lifeless symbols and signals. They are the very structure of thought.” Our words hold deeper meanings than their definition. Sentences can have different connotations based on emphasis of different words.
- The psychologist Korzybksi hypothesized that there is no such thing as universal truth or knowledge, as speakers of one language don’t construct the same reality with their words as speakers of another language. Since different languages represent concepts in different ways, the structural differences of those languages impose limitations on our mental modes or reality. For example, some languages have words for specific feelings that we don’t have in English.
- The meanings of words are embedded in the people, not the words.
Application:
- Study the nonverbal signals that people use to define and reinforce their relationships. How does the boss convey authority or approachability? How does the student convey that they are engaged and actively listening to the material being taught?
- Watch a movie with the sound off. Pay attention to the way actors move and arrange themselves in relation to one another. Do the nonverbal behaviors contribute to and reinforce the integrity of the scene?
2. Presence
Presence is another word for charisma. People tend to be attracted to others who are upbeat, optimistic, attractive, and engaged.
Albrecht states, “Those who perceive someone as affirmative, admirable, and compellingly attractive may be reacting to the outward and visible signs of that person’s inner commitment to life.”
When you are with others, be fully present. Don’t be thinking about your work plans for later in the day, or what you’re going to cook for dinner. Live fully and completely in the moment.
Make it about them, not about you. People love to feel heard and seen. Listen to their stories and ask engaging questions. People like others who make them feel good about themselves.
Application:
- Be more aware of the way you present yourself. Imagine you are watching yourself in the third person when you are communicating with someone else. How do you look? How is your posture?
- Don’t try to present yourself like a movie star or anyone else. Find your most natural way of telling who you are by the way you stand, walk, talk, dress, and interact. Find and express your own voice. Try to imagine what the experience of meeting you for the first time would be like for another person. How do you want it to be? Practice having fake conversations with yourself to master small talk.
- Record yourself having a pretend conversation. Listen a few days later to get an idea of how you sound to a stranger. Make note of aspects of the way you speak that you would like to change.
- Record a conversation with friends. Study yourself and the other participants and note habits or behaviors that contribute or inhibit empathy, clarity of communicating ideas, and authenticity.
3. Authenticity
Have faith in your personal values. Be authentic. Don’t lie or make up false stories to make yourself look better.
“The balance between our narcissism and our altruism expresses our emotional health, particularly our sense of self-worth.”
Application:
- Make a list of your emotional inputs–the signals or behaviors you need from others to help you feel lovable, capable, and worthy of acceptance. Do some of these inputs or needs draw you into behaving in inauthentic ways–seeking approval, avoiding conflict, manipulating others, or being dishonest about your values and motives?
- Write a personal mission statement that explains why you think you’re here, what your priorities are, and what you want to do to make your life meaningful. Keep revising it until it expresses what you life is all about. Print it out and put it somewhere you can read it every day.
4. Clarity
“Do you say what you mean what you say? Do you speak too fast, too much, or not much at all? Does your voice production–pitch, rate, volume, and inflection–inspire confidence or lack of respect? Do you use language skillfully? Can you frame concepts and issues for others in an articulate, compelling way? Do you listen attentively and skillfully, so you can understand others’ points of view?”
Think of any world leader. Many of these decorated figures have earned their places by their ability to make a case, build a story, or articulate a premise for action that others found appealing.
“More often than not, a conversation or the presentation of an argument or a point of view is little more than a brain dump, a flow of words that come out as they come to mind. It is a relatively rare–and usually highly effective–person who has learned how to use language as a strategic asset.”
Here are some strategies to help you guide the thinking of others:
- “Route 350”: The human brain processes speech information at 500 words per minute, but people can only talk at around 150 words per minute. Focus on capturing that unused processing capacity by asking a provocative question which gets them thinking about the importance of the topic.
- Frame the conversation: “I’m going to tell you 3 things…”, “This is what happened yesterday…”, etc. This provides the listener with context and they are able to form expectations for the conversation.
- E-prime: E-prime is English minus the to be words, like am, is, are, aren’t, was were, etc. Using this manner of speech increases clarity in writing and instruction. For example, instead of saying “Sue is a team player”, you could say “Sue works well with others”.
Application:
- Prepare elevator speeches. Practice reciting an argument or listing your opinion before you engage in communication.
- Study the ways highly articulate people present ideas. Watch interviews and listen to conversations to identify the methods they use: the flow of ideas, sequencing ideas, elevator messages, use of fact and figures, metaphors, humor, word pictures, etc.
5. Empathy
People like others who make them feel good about themselves. Express a genuine intention to listen and possible learn from the person you’re communicating with. Ask engaging questions and give them your full attention. The worst thing you can do is to check your phone or to look around while engaged in conversation.
Expressing interest comes through both conscious and unconscious behavior. Body language is key: orient your body towards the other person, make eye contact, listen attentively, match your body posture with theirs, and mimic their nonverbal cues.
When you respect others, they’ll respect you.
“Once we move outside the bounds of our selfish preoccupation with our own needs and priorities, we can better understand how to get what we want by ensuring that others get what they want.”
The elements of empathy: LEAPS
- Listen
- Empathize
- Ask
- Paraphrase (restate other’s ideas)
- Summarize
Application:
- Study a person who seems unable to connect with others easily; make a list of specific behaviors you observe that seem to alienate others. Make a list of behaviors they could adopt that could enable them to connect more skillfully.
- Study a person who connects with others easily; make a list of specific behaviors you observe that seem to attract others and invite them to connect on a personal level.
Systems for developing social intelligence
Create your Role Models
- Make a list of people you have interacted with extensively. Write down the qualities and behaviors of 5 people who are toxic. How do they treat other people? complaining, gossiping, humiliating, whining, lying, breaking promises, etc.?
- Repeat step 1 but for nourishing people. Does these people make a habit of affirming people, listening, complementing, congratulating, etc.?
- Now combine all the traits of the toxic people into one person–and give this hypothetical person a name. This is your toxic role model. Do the same thing for the nourishing people.
- Compare your own patterns of behavior with the behavior patterns you’ve observed in the toxic and nourishing roles. Strive to emulate the behavior of your nourishing role model and reject the behavior of your toxic role model.
A Summary of How to Connect with People
- Train yourself to read social situations. What are the interests, needs, feelings, and intentions of those around you?
- Respect, affirm, and appreciate people.
- Listen.
- Pause for a second before you respond.
- Arguing is the least effective way of changing someone’s mind.
- When you disagree, first acknowledge the offender’s right to think the way they do–then offer your views respectfully.
- Use questions over confrontation.
- Accentuate the positive.
